C-16 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE PRIDE GUIDE 1997
Life after coming out: Growing with your family
The Beloved' and 'Bent' Families Learning to Accept Lesbians and Gays
Edited by Dr. Pam Allen-Thompson and Di Allen-Thompson, LPCC Diversity Press, Toledo; $12.95 Distributed by Lambda Rising
Reviewed by Marcia Etztwiler
Even for the Ellens among us, nothing is scarier than coming out to your family when you're not sure how they will react. You might try to prepare the best you can, reading all the "how-tos" you can find.
An important new book that takes a fresh approach to this challenge is The Beloved and 'Bent': Families Learning to Accept Lesbians and Gays, by Pam and Di AllenThompson of Toledo.
It's not preachy, it's not clinical; instead it pulls you into the lives of real people who are sometimes funny, sometimes opinionated, sometimes judgmental, sometimes deeply sensitive, but always engaging in their honesty and authenticity. More than just a coming out book, The Beloved and 'Bent' takes the next step. So you're out-then what? Next begins the long process toward understanding, and that's where this handy volume excels.
This upbeat, easy-to-read paperback is just the right book to leave with that family member or friend after you break the news to them. Some won't pick it up immediately, but when they do, they'll find an introduction that's so non-threatening it could have been written by their pastor (a very wise pastor). Then the reader will meet a wide variety of people who are all related in some way to the lesbian couple who wrote the book.
The book does not offer a representative sampling, but it does introduce 18 people from a wide range of backgrounds and perspectives. Most readers can relate to some-
body in the group: professionals and working class, very religious and “NPC," as one man called himself, “non-practicing Catholic." The families in the book are real families, with weaknesses as well as strengths. As Candace Gingrich said, "The experiences of the families in this book are not unlike my own."
Pam's father will probably remind a lot of gays and lesbians of their fathers—someone with strong beliefs who is not likely to change his mind. But to see such a conservative person actually show so much understanding can give the reader hope. On a personal note, reading the interview with Pam's mother made me feel that it might actually be pretty easy to come out to my mom. I can imagine that any mother reading the interviews of the five mothers in the book would find some encouragement in their own struggle to understand.
But The Beloved and ‘Bent' is more than just interesting reading of intimate stories. The last section, "Reflections," offers one of the most concise introductions to the acceptance process currently available.
One person I gave the book to is a clinical therapist. She said the "Reflections" alone are worth the whole book. In this meaty section, the authors comment on the interviews, looking at the false assumptions about us that are often made even by people who are accepting. The "Reflections" underscore the fact that acceptance truly is a process, and sometimes a long and painful one.
For anyone who needs some help in that process, this is the book. For parents of gays and lesbians, brothers and sisters, as well as friends, this compact volume will answer some important questions. I can think of no reason why this book shouldn't be in the library of every school and every church.
With my own family and friends, it has been tried and proven. A straight friend, a paralegal, was not very comfortable learning
Di and Pam Allen-Thompson
of my homosexuality. She had just lost a friend to death, and my news meant another significant loss to her. At my insistence, she did read the book and found it much easier afterwards to talk with me about her hesitations and fears. The book also helped open
BRIAN WHEELER-MELVIN
dialogue with my entrepreneur sister who was "too busy" for it at first, but when she realized that everybody else in the family was reading it, she didn't want to be left out.
The variety of voices and the depth of analysis make this a book you can trust. ✔
rainer werner fassbinder
25 films
may 23 june 29
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